How can I help a friend or peer who has experienced sexual or relationship violence?
Whether the assault was recent or many years ago, the support and understanding of friends and loved ones can be the most helpful thing of all to a survivor. Many survivors say that the response they received when they first told someone made all the difference in their safety and healing process. There are many ways you can support a survivor
Listen and believe
Listen patiently and empathically, without judgement. Tell them you believe them. Sadly, our society often still casts doubt and judgement on people who come forward. When we begin by believing it is the first step to healing.
It’s never their fault
Let them know sexual abuse or assault is never the survivor’s fault and there is nothing they could’ve done to prevent this from happening. Blame belongs with one person, the one who perpetrated the assault.
Don鈥檛 try to 鈥渇ix鈥� it
It鈥檚 hard to watch someone we know and love go through something hard but it鈥檚 not our role to fix things or offer advice. Our role is to listen and follow the survivor鈥檚 lead as to how they want to be supported and what they want to do moving forward.
Discuss their safety and support their decisions
Let them know there are options for support, medical care and reporting. If they are an adult the decision is theirs to report the assault, seek medical attention, or connect with a crisis center. Support their decisions and support them if they change their mind. Ask the survivor how you can help before doing anything. It is important that they are in control of next steps.
Be mindful about touching
You may want to reach out and put a hand on the survivor鈥檚 shoulder or leg or wrap them up in a hug but this is an especially vulnerable time for a survivor so ask before any physical touch. Even outside of a disclosure of sexual violence, it鈥檚 always important to ask someone before touching them because practicing consent is essential in all aspects of our relationships!
Maintain their privacy
It takes courage to disclose. You have been entrusted by the survivor and telling others could cause more harm to them. Tell the survivor that they can speak in confidence to a counselor at The Wellness Center or an advocate at for confidential support and information on how to help
Take care of yourself, too
Get help for yourself if you’re feeling overwhelmed or frightened by a situation. Find someone you can talk to about those feelings. Support and information for both you and your friend or family member is available through:
- The Wellness Center: 603-358-2200
- 24hr confidential hotline: 1-888-511-6287 or 603-352-3782
- : 1-866-644-3574
Phrases You Can Use to Help
鈥淣othing you did (or didn鈥檛 do) makes you deserve this.鈥� or 鈥淚t鈥檚 not your fault.鈥�
鈥淚鈥檓 sorry this happened.鈥�
鈥淚 believe you.鈥�
鈥淚鈥檓 glad you told me what you鈥檙e going through.鈥�
鈥淗ow can I help you feel safer?鈥�
鈥淚鈥檒l support your decisions.鈥�
鈥淵ou鈥檙e not alone.”
鈥淲hat can I do to help?鈥�
Resources on this page are adapted from The Wellness Center鈥檚 Student Support Network training materials and the . For more resources and information, visit our Get Help page.